Wow. I didn't think it would be this hard.  I really didn't  I didn't think it was possible to miss someone so much...to have my heart ache like this.  Even though it hurts like hell.  It's a good kind of pain.  The kind that makes you appreciate everything you have, and to fight for it with everything you've got.

I love you. I miss you.

I guess that's all I really needed to Say 

Current Music: As You Sleep -Something Corporate

And somehow everything I put myself through this year has been worth it.

There's something to be said, for never giving up, and letting your heart have what it wants.

I've never been happier.

You amaze me everyday.

I get to see your beautiful face tomorrow.

~Kelly-girl

Current Music: I'm Yours -Jason Mraz

I guess I'm due for another update huh?

There's been so much going on, but I'm super happy.  I can't even describe it, it seems like for the first time, not only are things working out the way I want them to, but I finally have direction in my life.

It took writing for WIRED to realize it, but writing is such a huge part of my life, and it's the only thing that fills me with an unequaled amout of happiness.  I love it, I loved having people LAUGH at my play.  Everytime someone told me how awesome it was, my smile just got bigger and bigger. I was pretty much on top of the world.

The best thing about it though, is it has given me confidence to do what I want to do, to take new chances and seize new oppurtunities.  I auditioned for a women's acapella group tonight, which was something even last semester I never would have done.  It's incredible, I feel like I've transformed as a person.  I'm still the same person I was...I'm just better I guess.  I'm letting all the bad stuff (and there still is some) just roll off my back which is something I've NEVER been able to do before.  It's pretty rewarding.  

Personal life is going well to.  I'm not putting any hopes on it.  But there's someone that's definitely got me smiling lately.  She's gorgeous.  It's awesome.

I seriously have to do work now.  but I'm just too in <333333 with life.

~Kelly-girl

Current Music: I'll Do Anything -Jason Mraz.

I guess I haven't updated on here in awhile.  But as my fabulous fivers also  have these I feel it's my duty to fill you guys in on my life, although I'm  pretty sure you know me better than I know myself.... or at least you do now.

I guess I'm stressing about coming out to my parents.  I mean I keep joking around about it, but really it's just a defense mechanism and I can feel the terror coursing through my body.  I mean it shouldn't matter and they should love me anyway right?  But the fact is that we don't live in an ideal world.  Hopefully it'll all turn out well, but all the same I'm prepping for the worse.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with girls, I've always thought I could read them really well (four years at an all-girls high school  will do that to you), but it's always the girls that I can't read that I'm attracted to.  I guess I like the air of mystery, or maybe I just like the pain and confusion.  It sure keeps my life interesting, that's a given.  The thing is, I don't play mind games, I'm pretty what you see is what you get, ya know.  The problem is, if someone else is sending out mixed signals, then I don't really know what to do.  And please love, you're sending out so many mixed signals you could scramble a radar.  I just wish I knew where we stood,  if there even is a we.  What happened to all those heart to hearts?  I miss those.

On the plus side, I'm done for the semester.  By some miracle of God I managed to pull off a B+ in Italian, I should be getting at least an A- in Journalism, and who knows in history (I hate profs that don't give grades back).  I may actually pull off Dean's list this semester.  Keep your fingers crossed for me, because that might soften the parental blow, if thery're in a rediculousy good mood.  

PS: I'm totally afraid you'll forget all about me over break.  I hope that doesn't happen.

~Kelly-girl

Current Music: Wherever You Will Go -The Calling

 So I'm feeling pretty philosophical this morning, so I thought for the first time in awhile I'd tackle another question.

"If you were to die this evening with no oppurtunity to communicate anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?  Why haven't you told them yet?"

First of all, let me just say, I don't look at the question until I type it, and then I refuse to delete it.  So, talk about things finding you when you need them to find you.  Yeesh, this one's difficult.

Anyone who knows me knows I'm not a verbal person.  It takes me forever to process my thoughts, simply because there's so many of them buzzing around in my head.  So I guess there'd be a lot of things I'd regret not telling someone.  
I thought I might take the easy way out of this one and say I don't tell my friends I appreciate them enough.  Cause I know it's true.  But that seems too easy, especially at a time when I have so much weighing on my mind.  You see, there's this amazing person that's somehow I've been blessed to have in my life.  It's a new friendship, but it means so much to me.  On my end, there's also a little more than friendship on my mind.  So I think the thing I'd regret most would be not being able to tell this person how amazing, and captivating and beautiful they are.  
The thing is, it's all written down....verbally is so much harder.

Current Music: Vulnerable -Secondhand Serenade

So I guess it's time to tackle another question:

Do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? Would you be willing to spend a night alone in a remote house that is suppossedly haunted?

Okay, this is definitely a cool one.  I've never given this a lot of thought.  I believe in an after-life, I know that.  I just have yet to determine what I believe that is.  It seems I have two conflicting beliefs.  I believe people should be held accountable for their actions, however, I believe that God, whoever he/she/it is, is all forgiving.  That's something I have to believe.  So how can someone be punished from an all-forgiving god?  That's where I'm at right now, as far as what I belive in.  And maybe it's not meant to be resolved, maybe it's one of those mysteries of life that we're never meant to know, because it would just be too overwhelming.  I can get that.

I really didn't mean to get off in a tangent.  Back to the question.  I believe that there are things/people/spirits that are neither here nor there.  I mean, the theme comes up so often in literature and history, that the idea had to come from somewhere, why not reality?  And if these spirits exist, I don't believe that they're evil.  I just think that they're kind of searching.  And if that's true then they're not all that different from us.  I mean, when you think about it, we're all kind of searching for something.  Something to give our lives meaning, something to hold onto.  

I thought I had that something to hold onto.  Maybe I still do.  But it's slowly slipping away from me and  I don't know what to do.  It seems the more I hold it tighter, the more it lets go, and if I hold it too loosely, then it's already gone.  I'm terrified of losing my something to fight for. And I'm holding on for dear life.  Where will it end? Who can really say?

Again, tangent.  While I believe there are not malevolent spirits.  I still wouldn't stay in a house that was suppossedly haunted.  There are probably spiders there.  That's a deal breaker.

Current Music: 23 -Jimmy Eat World

So I guess, it's yesterday already, but it was my birthday.  19 has got to be better than 18 right? I mean 18 was pretty bad, but with a few bright shining spots.  Thank God for those.

Anways, I'm wide awake, and I have the feeling I'm going to be for some time.  I'm trying to obey Michael's instructions and not read this whole book at once, but I have to give it a look.  The book he got me is "The Book of Questions" by Gregory Stock.  I'm gonna tackle question number one tonight

Q: For a person you loved deeply,would you be willing to move to a distant country knowing there would be little chance of seeing your friends or family again?

Probably the first thing you need to know about me is the fact that I love my independence and anything that comprimises that has to be pretty serious.  Things like, commitment, religion, and I guess love.  See for me, any new relationship comes with trust issues.  This is the case with even a friendship, as my friends well know.  It's so difficult to let someone in.  I'm so afraid of being abandoned, I guess.  When it comes to a romantic relationship, this is magnified a thousand times.  Let's be real here, my longest relationship lasted 8 months.  That's not a good track record.  I can date.  That's the part I have no problem with.  It's love that's the issue.  I just can't seem to find a case where love has worked out.  Our country's divorce rate is about 50%.  The optimist would say, that half the marriages work out, but those aren't odds I'm willing to chance.  I guess I don't get people that fall in love so quickly.  I kind of envy them.  They are free to give the best of themselves: their hearts to another person, to do what they want with them. "My heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewlery, whichever you prefer."  That's from Hands Down by Dashcoard Confessional.  Much as I admire Chris Carabba's sentiment, the fact remains that most of his other songs are depressing.  Guess that girl broke your heart huh?
All that being considered, I think my answer to this question would be yes.  As much as I love my friends and family (and I do), they know, I don't give the best of my heart easily.  In fact, I've only done it twice, and both times it was shattered.  But the strange thing is, I would do anything to have love in my life.  Real love, someone who wants me just as much as I want them.  So how do I know my heart won't be broken again?  I don't.  But I've lost faith in a lot of things over the years.  But I can't lose hope for love.  It's all I've really got.  If I lose faith in that, then what is there?  So while, I would hate to give up everything I know, (and we all know how much I hate change) but this is something I have to believe in.  Love changes everything.

Current Music: Before It's Too Late -Goo Goo Dolls

Living at home is driving me insane!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Current Music: Better Than Me -Hinder

Best band name: I Love You But I've Chosen Darkenss

Awesome.

Current Music: Stairway To Heaven -Led Zeppelin

Current Music: For The Love Of Money -The O'Jays